Unbound.

“Why not?”

My rowdy three-year-old asked me this question so many times. Over the last five days, it felt like three million times.

“You can’t eat a battery.”

“Why not!?”

At times, sentence coordination needed some help.

For example,

“The picture is red.”

“Why not, mommy?”

It wasn’t until I was standing in prayer, feeling all consumed by this two-worded question, that it mattered.

“Why not?”

I began writing again a couple weeks ago. I spoke to my sister to share my excitement about my endeavors with my passion. I stated, “I loved my last blog. I want to be even more raw. I also want to expand my writings.  With this being said, as of now I am going to just stick with simple poetry. I will not be sharing scripture on there yet. I am just not ready.”

Her response struck me.

“Why not?”

I choked trying to respond. In which she interrupted, “you’re afraid of people judging you? You fear what other people think?” I choked again, and while I wish I could say this wasn’t the case—I could not. It was very true.

There was a time when I did not fear the judgment of others. It was total irrelevance compared to what the Lord’s purpose was for me. I felt called to write. I enjoy writing. I have a passion for writing. A fire ignites within me when I have a pen in my hand. The feeling is inexplicable. I was so thankful to the Lord for this passion that I wanted it to be only guided by, and for, Him alone.

This is still the case.

However, over time, I became consumed in my own insecurities that my passion became a little foggy and my fire grew a little dimmer. I placed myself in areas where I felt judged not called. I sat at tables that Jesus would have overturned. I allowed others to consume me with their hurtful words, or actions, rather consuming myself in His word even more during those times. I allowed grief to eat me alive, instead of feasting on His truths; creating a space to breathe life into myself once again through His words alone.

There have been times, many times, that I am constantly crying out to God with a harsh “why?”

I understand trials and tribulations, but when does it stop? Why doesn’t it stop? Why did my dad have to die? Why did I choose to listen to those people? Why did those people hurt me? Why did my best friend leave me? Why am I constantly abandoned in some form or fashion by those I love?—why not?

Why not me?

Did I deserve to be spoken bad about, abandoned, shut out, etc.? Maybe not. But God needed it to happen in that way to teach me. It was meant to better me and heal me. It also gave me the wisdom to expand to those around me.

There is one truth that I have always been absorbed in. It’s that He uses what the enemy meant for bad for His good. This has been true since the very beginning (Genesis 50:20). The hurt, the frustrations, and even the lead astray with the return to Him. The pain has purpose, and there is no shame in returning where you left off. People will judge you. People will doubt you. People will assume you are hypocritical. It’s not about their opinions. It’s about living out the purpose He has for you.

Why not you?

 But also, simply why not?

Why not do what you love?

Why not write that book?

Why not go back to school?

Why not follow your dreams?

Why not live out His purpose for you?

Why not sit in another pew?

Why not join the bible study?

Why not bring yourself back to life with His words alone, rather consuming yourself with words of destruction; lies?

I have a new question.

 A subtle “why?”

Maybe you’re consuming yourself with insecurities. Maybe you are placing yourself in areas where you feel judged and not called. Maybe you are sitting at a table that Jesus would have overturned. Maybe you are consuming yourself with hurtful words, or actions, instead of consuming yourself even more with His words alone through your pain. Maybe you are letting grief eat you alive instead of feasting on His truths creating space for the breath of life to enter—to be alive.

momentary off/on topic pause: friend to friend, your grief is love; love for self, life, and others. love is really painful at times; jesus loves you, and me, so much that he sacrificed himself— love isn’t always easy, but to love is part of your purpose.

—maybe, like me, you are all the above.  

May I ask why?

I had a meeting with my nursing instructor a few weeks ago. I didn’t make a grade I wanted to on my exam. I didn’t fail, but I just knew I did better. We went over every question and I got every answer that I missed correct talking to her. At one point she looked up at me and said, “Now why would you choose this? You know it’s this answer because you just sat here and told me.” I responded, “I honestly couldn’t tell you.” She chuckled, “if you can’t answer the ‘why’ don’t make that choice—there is more than likely a better answer. Typically, if you don’t know the ‘why,’ that answer is already wrong.”

If you cannot answer the “why” maybe there’s a better answer, a better choice, a better solution.

Turn your “why me” into “why not me,” turn your “why not me” into “why not,” and give your “why” a better explanation.